Comment: Updated OK Here

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Updated OK Here

OK Here

I might as well get the down votes. Maybe I should start a topic on depression as well lol :)
and so I wrote about it. I imagine it has alot to do with Liberty in the most personal sense.

" seems to me, you will know, without a doubt, if my responses to your welcome, unique, and valuable point of view ends, because there won't be any more responses from me. "

So, are you saying to me that when you quit responding that means shut up? I’d rather you just say shut up before I overextend my welcome. Like, OK, I’ve had about enough of your intolerable silliness and unintelligible and unintellectual communication, so could you please keep it to yourself for now on. Or, maybe something less insulting.

For me, it doesn’t take depressing circumstances. My depression comes from inside. I have felt so bad this week I thought it would feel good if I could lay on my belly and have someone take a flat blade shovel to the base of my skull and separate my head from my body so I could quit thinking…the thoughts are so intolerable and so miserable! I have experience enough to know that medication fixes that for me. I respond almost immediately to medication which causes me to believe there is a true chemical deficiency, not just something external that needs maskedFor me SSRI’s at the right dose allow me to feel, but not ruminate.

“But if you can accept both, the hugging everyone, when you are doing that, and the hugging no one, when you are doing that, as a condition of life, not a problem that needs to be fixed, what happens in either case?”

It is too miserable to try to live in the state of depression. I would have been the first to poo-poo medication, but after my oldest was born I was ready to do the whole family in. I was fortunate to reach out to his doc who reached back and put me on some med. It was the first time since 6th grade that I had mental peace. I have found the happy medium on medication so I want to be there. It is a good place. It is a place where I can enjoy myself as well as those around me. It might be possible for me to just go with whatever, but I have a very public life, so I cannot live in a cave. I must deal with people all the time and I want to feel good about it and I want them to feel good about the interaction as well.

“I was 15, if I remember right.”

Joe, that is a lot. You have had a lot to deal with up close and personal. . I am sorry for your mother. I imagine they did not have the medications they have now. I imagine some women ended up stuck on tranquilizers because that was better than feeling. I think that was the situation of one of my boss’s wife.

“Have you ever worked so hard for so long, like driving a dump truck…”

No, but I have had trouble driving before. I find it best to stop! It is frightening to wake up right before rear-ending someone!

“Is the real problem such that you can't just exist and do nothing?”

I can’t shut my mind off. It is crazy. I took my 2nd adult dose this afternoon. Tonight, I cannot for the life of me remember what the big problem was. I feel completely better. No self-doubt. Joe, I couldn’t even answer the phone this week because I dreaded what I would have to deal with on the other end…the unknown. Now, I imagine tomorrow if the phone rings I’ll pick it up and take care of whatever the business is at hand.

“The end of life is not a solution to a problem…”

You are correct. But what is so hurtful is that one would feel so bad, the internal pain so great, that one just wants release. This week I was dreading living another 20 years (granted, my cancer could come back tomorrow, or I could die in an accident). But it was that bad. It can get so bad that seeing an object will bring thoughts of how it can be used to take care of the problem…I am fortunate that I am able to talk about it and seek help immediately. I can recognize the symptoms.

“You look at your children and you don't credit yourself in that way too?”

I would never want to hurt them in the way that would hurt them. What spread the pain? No, I am sure the will have enough to deal with in life without something from me. I have requested lots of hugs this week from them, tho they didn’t know why. We are a huggy family so it wasn’t unusual for them to grant my request.

“I'm not an authority on this topic, but I am alive too.”

Maybe not, but you have had your share of experience with others. And I appreciate you talking to me about it. Thank you for not rejecting me in my weakness. I am hoping that when I wake up in the morning the feelings of this week will be history like they are now.