...is what you had mentioned, and those hermits perched on poles and beating themselves with sticks is one of the images that first pops into my mind when someone mentions 'self-loathing' Christians. :)
I saw a picture on the web today of a church marquee with some 'message of the week' or what have you on it. It said 'God's love is unconditional as long as you are obeying Christ.' I think this kind of summarizes some of what you're saying, and indeed some, even many, Christians may have that perspective. But I would caution you not to lump all of us in the same boat in that regard.
What kind of a parent would people think I was if I tried to use that line when disciplining my children: 'If you don't obey me, I'll stop loving you.' Sorry, that is not the God I serve.
God's love for each and every individual transcends anything you could ever do or say, even if your heart currently wants to spit on the very notion of God as a delusion of idiots.
The Bible I read describes true love (i.e. God's 'agape' love) as unconditional, never failing, always hoping, outlasting everything else there is. I don't believe there is an expiration date on God's love, even beyond death. I don't believe that anyone is beyond the love and mercy of God, but believe that eventually even those who despise the notion of a Creator will return home willingly as the prodigal did, when they understand how things really are; and their heavenly Father will still welcome them with outstretched arms. Colossians 1 says that ALL things whether on earth or in heaven will be reconciled to God through Christ.
I know you don't want to believe that, but I think one day you will be pleasantly surprised to discover that you are actually much more than some chemical stew, descended from animals -- that Love is actually much more real and fundamental than mere molecular reactions. I guess my outlook is very Platonic in that respect. I believe in the 'forms' of Love, Person, Intelligence, etc. as pre-eminent over the physical. Take away the physical, and these things still exist in their own right. Call me delusional; but I don't think I am.
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