Comment: OK I'm in, just a couple of quick conditions, no big deal

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OK I'm in, just a couple of quick conditions, no big deal

1. I get to be sheriff and I get a stick horse furnished to me, a new one every year and a foil badge. NOT SOMETHING ORDERED ONLINE, a foil badge to go on my hat which should be at least 10 sizes too large for me. Big enough for me and a small family to hide under and not see anything.

2. I want Vinceable and his sovereign maniacs to make constant forays into the sleepy surrounding community with bullhorns blasting stuff like THEY MICROCHIPPED YOUR PANTIES MISSUS AND NOW WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT and INVISIBLE WINGED MONKEYS ARE FLYING IN FROM OUTER SPACE RIGHT NOW AND WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WITH BANANA CHIPS.

3. A hideously complex algorithm must be developed to indicate who gets naked first and goes swimming on really hot days when it just seems like the only sensible thing to do. Otherwise I will be first by default.

4. A very careful safety training program must be instituted for non-desert firers. It takes a very long time to teach them how and when alcohol and ammo certainly do mix and mix rather well when you are the only living soul within range HOWEVER this makes limits and rules even more important. If you really want to save drunken lives, keep the car and quad keys hidden.

5. If I can't be sheriff I want a cabaret license and a 24 hour hot dog stand. My spot will also be equipped with a small light stage and sound system and 24 hour open mic. Local noise ordiances might take this into account.

6. I want a document combining birth certificate, passport, photo ID and my will micro-encoded in upside-down Merrovingian script that only Sophron can translate that basically says I AM A MAN OF THIS LAND, IT'S THE ONLY PLACE I BELONG, IT'S THE ONLY PLACE PEOPLE WILL TOLERATE ME AND BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO. PLEASE FEED ME AND WATER ME DAILY AND I RESPOND TO THE NAME "HELP" OR "HELP, I NEED HELP". IF FOUND PLEASE RETURN TO (insert address).

7. I reserve the right to make certain things up as I go along. I reserve all rights not granted by me and especially my next door neighbours who might shout OH COME ON CAN YOU GIVE IT A REST FOR A CHANGE? and i shut down, not in surrenderance of rights so much as he's got the truck and his lady makes the best flapjacks and common sense dictates as much as the sense of smell of coffee in the morning and perhaps most important....

8. Women, children, animals are like the cooling flow of water in the masculine nuclear reactor. You don't need me in another sausage fest. And I kinda require that kids come first. Whatever kids are there. Their nutrition, their health, their education, their sense of safety, their what we can do for them.

9. Just to be ironic I'd like us to build an underground vault and there safeguard VCR tapes of 1980s sitcoms like The Love Boat and Fantasy Island and publicly swear to protect them with our lives as our service to a post-apocalyptic regeneration of human society. But I'm willing to discuss this option.

10. If we do 9 above I see no reason not to take the irony to full scale cultism and venerate idols of Tatoo and Mr. T and Rocky and Farah Fawcett Majors and 1970s muscle cars as an obvious diversion from our true intentions...

which over time I suppose we'll have to figure out but if we pick something innocuously weird right off the bat perhaps people will indeed just write us off as harmless loons and leave us alone.

Most of my demands are negotiable except for the ones that aren't. I'm pretty hung up on the hat thing.

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