I am wrestling with the question of my nature. A river's nature is to flow. It does not really care whether it transports water or supports fish, so longs as it flows, it is a river.
I would say my nature is to love. The things I love may be a sign of my character, weak or strong, but if I am loving I am being me. But the Universe seems to need to teach me some other lesson these days, it seems love is not enough. Or maybe that truth does not really mater, I don't know. I know I am being given a lesson, whether I pass or fail the test is still up in the air. In school, I loved the "pop quiz." I was never one to put off my studying, I was always ready to be tested on my knowledge. These pop quizzes on my capacity to love are less enjoyable.
After years of not even trying to have friends, suddenly they are crawling out of the woodwork, yet my family drifts further and further from me. I lost my daughter a couple of years ago. The pain was excruciating, but my husband and I stumbled through the grief and came out the other side. We were thrilled to have our son decide to join us at the farm, and the young lady he brought along won our hearts, too. Last week they set a wedding date, and I had this little light in my heart... I have this fantasy of my grandchildren running around the farm, I thought maybe it would come to be after all...
My son has decided that if he is going to "be a man" he needs to give up on this "crazy" farm and move back to the city and get a job pimping for pharma. OK, it breaks my heart, but if that is what he feels he must do... but it did not stop there.
My local internet provider has censored liveleak, so I emailed them to complain. My son was here when it happened, read my email over my shoulder. I don't know... it was not a hateful email, I just said I did not appreciate their censorship, that liveleak was one of the few places where citizens could upload the truth. He decided that was "dangerous" and that associating with me puts him and his girlfriend in danger, so they will have to cut us out of their life, like my daughter did.
I'm pretty much reeling at this point. What is the point of loving truth, in a world that cherishes lies and liars?
Love or fear? Choose again with every breath.
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