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Comment: ryno, Have you ever had one

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ryno, Have you ever had one


Have you ever had one of those magic conversations with someone? You know the kind. You get excited. The thoughts you brought into the discussion quadruple, and you hopscotch beyond what you were thinking into something you're even more excited about. Challenged. Excited. Panting for more of whatever THAT was. Where the two brains rubbing, create something immensely more exciting than either of you brought on your own.

Look for that. It really doesn't matter so much about the outside layer -- political agreement, the right terminology, the same patterns of speech. The girl brain can disagree with your premises; she can long for different results; she can speak in phrases that feel off to you. It doesn't matter. The ability to leap-flog with someone else's brain is the magic.

When you find someone you can do this with, it will be of little consequence when you go through stages where one of you goes all agnostic and the other is re-discovering their childhood Christianity. Or one goes liberal while the other goes anarchist. Thinking people will go through all sorts of meandering stages. Thinking people in intimate relationships need each other to sound out and play off each others' minds. That's the magic. Not situational agreement -- this political label or that set of ideas, but the deeper level of loving the vibe of how the other mind works with yours for the whole trip.

We should grow; we should change each other in intimate relationships. Look for someone who excites you intellectually, whose mind you like to rub against and change with.

You wrote that both conservative and liberal women "misunderstand" you. Sound to me that you're just expressing the age-old gender gap. Women misunderstand you. Nothing political or ideological about that. Sex differences are our most in-your-face opportunity to take in the "other."

Your concern here is about women misunderstanding you. What if you flipped that? What if, rather than getting with a woman and saying a bunch of stuff that she could misunderstand, you claimed the power and focused on understanding her? (You do realize that the person in a relationship with the most need to be understood is, by definition, the taking a weak position, asking for more from the other person?) Flip it. Exert a powerful mind, more interested in understanding than being understood. I'm betting you'll find far more interesting set of women than when you put off a I-need-to-be-understood vibe.

By the way, when you say the conservative women you date are "prudish, boring, and uptight," you are most likely speaking about how they are around you. People -- yes, even women -- are many things and exhibit different parts of themselves depending on who they're with. I've never met a woman who longs to be prudish, boring or uptight. I've been in discussions with many women who talked about being with a guy who provoked such characteristics. If you stare at her boobs and she's not a floozy, she's going start acting prudish. If you are boring, she's not going to try to upstage you with the best of her cutting-edge ideas. If you're an uptight guy seeking to be understood, you're not going to provoke a let-it-all-hang vibe in the woman with you.

As several previous posters have said, the thing is to BE the kind of GUY who attracts the kind of GIRL who lights your fire. And don't make that fire be all about some set of beliefs. The most-intimate man-woman thing is deeper, more profound, and lasting than any of the ways we try to work out a social/political system that best serves us -- here and now, for where we are here and now.

And ultimately, as my mother always told me, it come down to sex. We commit to the other because we're different enough to be excited and provoked by, and because of, the seemingly absurd fit. You have to want that woman. You want her even when you disagree about everything else. You want the physical, and the physical, I believe, bonds us across all sorts of meandering intellectual/political/spiritual quests. If the sex is good, as my mom says, everything else is fodder for a secure and seeking mind.

Drat, I'm thinking I'm going to be completely horrified by posting this. I'm thinking I'll delete when my senses retake me. I'm also thinking that I've been married to a man who's provoked me and been a constant source of the kind of discussions that make my ideas more, and all the changes we've been through intellectually separately and all the times we've disagreed and fought and trusted each other anyway. All all the times it hardly mattered that we believed entirely different -- politically, about some friend's circumstance, or about God's being or purpose -- because we wanted each other physically.

A woman who provokes you to think in ways that excite you. A woman you want physically, not matter what she says or you said. That's really all there is to it.