BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have succeeded in conclusively linking everyone and everything everywhere to paranoia.
The comprehensive 11-month study—which was designed to establish that it’s all tied to paranoia, all of it, and absolutely everyone is in on it—was able to connect extreme cases of paranoid behavior with the government, the media, doctors, Palestine, the meat industry, stoplights, and everything in existence, all working together, conspiring against us.
Man was made for joy and woe
Then when this we rightly know
Through the world we safely go.
Joy and woe are woven fine
A clothing for the soul divine.