Comment: How do you know though?

(See in situ)


jrd3820's picture

How do you know though?

How do you know the difference? I understand that there IS a difference. But how do you know when you are making decisions or choices until after the fact?

Hindsight is 20/20. 2013 was pretty decent for me, made a lot of good choices and was about as happy as could be expected. I made one decision, it was absolutely made out of fear and it was absolutely deciding against something else. I didn’t know it at the time though. I thought I had made a great choice or decision. Thought it was the answer that I had been looking for. Not that I took the easy way out. Because it wasn’t easy. It definitely wasn’t logical. In that decision, I wasn’t just chopping away. I was blindly thrashing about with machete and anyone in my way was met with a polite smile and a ‘Yeah, that’s nice, I’m going anyways. Thanks for your concern though.’

There are 2 reasons my time China ended in such fanfare. Fly by night, post haste red eye out of the country. There were the family issues at home and the issues with my boss, but if I am going to be completely honest…. It was bound to end in dust and rubble no matter what. It was a decision against reality. I think I even knew it at the time. Usually before I leave for a new adventure I am really excited. The night before I left for China I was physically sick. Sick to my stomach. Spent the night throwing up. Convinced myself I had ‘food poisoning.’ Must have eaten something funny. I had been eating toast, oatmeal, and poptarts just like usual.

I’m so impulsive. I make decisions too quick. Then I feel claustrophobic and trapped....stuck in a moment if you will, when in all reality I was just trying to find a decent melody. I agree with you. Leaving when I feel trapped is a good quality. I am happy I am able to recognize when I feel trapped and know when it is time to go. But it would be better to just make the right choices and not have to make some sort of grand exit that ends in apocalyptic flames. I have gotten so good at leaving that my friends tease me about mastering the ‘midnight door note.’ The note scribbled on scrap paper, taped to the door, that says ‘Hey, thanks for the couch. It was fun. Time to go though.’

Funny, those notes used to be much longer and get shorter and shorter every time.

I don’t know what is going to happen in 2014. I hope I get it right. But I never seem to know until after the fact. I don’t know if I am deciding against reality because I don’t even know what reality is any more. I don’t know if I am making choices or decisions or if I
am making them for myself or for others. Its all such a blur.

Here’s to 2014. Deep breaths.