How about a Daily Paul humor thread?

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Send me your dollars, I'll do whatever I want with them, and you take it in the shorts!

Oops ... sorry, that's not new ....

Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
to my doom..."

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax (driver's license)
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone us! age charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMEN TS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened. We started taking care of everyone else, and forgot our own.

And I still have to "press 1" for English.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming and yelling, like his passengers in first class.

~Mikael / Peace, love, Light and unity ~

Palin's gaffes get all the coverage. No fair! To balance things out see this for Obama gaffes:
http://www.youtube.com/wa...

and this for Biden:
http://www.youtube.com/wa...

They Walk Among Us ... and they vote

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Boulevard and Parmer Lane.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.

Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...............they VOTE!

Nothing political here, just 14 old farts at a college glee club reunion concert on campus. It helps to know Rector Hall was a dorm for freshman women. Tim's "Duke of Earl" take on now-vs-the-60s gets most people laughing. Lasts about 4:30 before a second, more serious song.

http://www.youtube.com/wa...

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

~Mikael / Peace, love, Light and unity ~

http://johnmccainforum.co...

check out some of the posts here..and the screen names are hilarious!!

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

If you haven't had a chance to have a good laugh, just look up and track SIERRAHPBT's daily posts. Although 80% of his original posts no one every seems to comment on, his responses to other people can be down right hilarious. Especially if the topic revolves around silver. Think of a cross between - - " Grumpy Old Men " and the intellect of Gomer Pyle. Funny stuff, look it up!

You need to watch them in order for the second to make any sense.

http://www.youtube.com/wa...

http://www.youtube.com/wa...

Watch all of both clips, the second clip gets really funny at about 35 seconds

Thank you Dr. Paul for making my act on what I already knew was right.

(That's it.)

And now a political joke:

Q: How many voters does it take to elect Obama or McCain?
A: Diebold.

Barack Obama met a little girl who was watching some kittens
He came up to her and asked "what kind of kittens are these?"
"They are Democratic Kittens " the girl replied
. " How Cute " Obama said.
The next day McCain is walking by and asks , Hey those kittens are cute, what kind are they?
The little girl answered "They are Republican kittens."
"Oh, that's sweet." replied McCain
The next day, McCain and Obama came by at from the opposite sides of the corner and both talked to the little girl. "How are your kittens?" they asked.
"They are great" the little girl said." They are Libertarian kittens!"
"What?" they said in unison.
The little girl said, "Well, their eyes just opened!"

Libera me, let the truth break, what my fears make--Leslie Phillips

~Mikael / Peace, love, Light and unity ~

for fun.

So he goes to the doctor. Doc says "You're not eating right!"

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49 left.
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all
of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle. t's called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on the average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes You Proud To Be An American!

New Element Discovered, Bureaucratium

This is an addendum to a previous news release.

A new ultra-heavy element was recently accidently synthesized by political scientists. The new element, now known officially as Bureaucrratium, is electrically neutral, having neither protons nor electrons, and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have:

1 bossion
75 vice-bossions
111 assistant vice-bossions
125 associate assistant vice-bossions

It thus has an atomic mass of -312. The 312 mostly empty particles are held together by a strong, cohesive bonding force which involves the continuous exchange of clingon-like elementary particles called brownoseons.

Since it is electrically neutral, Bureacratium is chemically inert. However, it can be detected indirectly by its ability to impede nearly every action with which it comes in contact. In fact it was precisely this characteristic (and its unexpected appearance) which led the research team to its serendipitous discovery, when it found that a certain reaction which is normally exothermic and occurs in under one millisecond was observed to be endothermic, with an energy input 3500 times greater than normal, and took four days to complete.

Bureacratium is a man-made element and does not occur naturally. It apparently is formed as a by-product of necrotic organizational processes. It is found in greatest abundance in government agencies, large corporations, large non-profit organizations and academia. In extremely minute amounts it may actually serve a useful purpose in normal reactions by catalyzing the full release and exchange of energy among the reactive particles. However, in the typical growth process, Bureacratium seems to self-replicate at an alarming rate, eventually repelling, although occasionally absorbing, reactive particles. If left unchecked Bureaucratium will experience runaway growth and literally feed upon itself and absorb nearby organisms.

Unlike both naturally occurring and man-made radioactive substances which decay continuously due to their nuclear instability, Bureaucratium, although also unstable, undergoes self-replication with a normal doubling time of about nine years. This replication appears to occur as a discrete process rather than continuously, and is associated with periodic reorganizations which occur at more-or-less regular time intervals of approximately three years. At these times, vice bossions, assistant vice-bossions, and associate assistant vice-bossions exchange places, and roughly 1/6 of them generate additional Half-Secretarium particles, which soon quietly and mysteriously mutate to become Full-Secretarium particles.

Bureaucratium undergoes spontaneous chain reactions once it attains critical mass, at which point it is no longer controllable and consumes its host system along with itself. However, unlike nuclear fission and fusion reactions which are exothermic and release vast amounts of energy at criticality, Bureaucratium induces an endothermic process of fractionation and energy diffusion in which the system spins about itself in ever diminishing circles as it implodes, consuming vast amounts of energy. At this point, all productive reactions among non-Bureaucratium particles, as well as replication and mutation of Bureaucratium itself, cease as the system slowly disintegrates. Indeed, it has been found that Bureaucratium apparently cannot exist alone, having been found only in the presence of active particles from which it absorbs energy not unlike a parasite.

Research is currently underway to determine how Bureaucratium can be harnessed or controlled to prevent irreversible damage to productive host systems.

Results to date, however, are not promising.

bartender asks " why the long face ?"

~Mikael / Peace, love, Light and unity ~

http://www.youtube.com/wa...

"Observe the masses,and do the opposite."

This hillybilly by the name of Jeb, called the cops on his neighbor, Cooter Brown, the cops answered " Police Dept, how may we help you?" Jeb says, yeah, umm, well my neighbor cooters been storing marijuana in his firewood, yep he sure has! I dont know how he gets it in thar, but it's thar! You needs to come over and check er out. So the police dispatch about ten cops to cooters house, where they proceed to go into his wood shed and after chopping and searching for hours they turn up nothing, so they leave disgusted. About 15 minutes pass and cooters phone rings. Cooter answers. Ummm cooter? this is Jeb... Dem der cops show up atcha house? Cooter responds with shock, They sure did! Jeb then says to Cooter, did they bust up all yer firewood? Cooter shocked says, They sure did! ...Jeb says....... HAPPY BIRTHDAY COOTER!!!

Sun worshiping lizards create money out of thin air, inject RFID chips into everyone on the planet, then they stop printing money and form a collective society that worships the sun.

George W. Bush Resume
Past work experience:
• Ran for congress and lost.
• Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
• Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
• With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments: Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.
• Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court.
Accomplishments as president:
• Attacked and took over two countries.
• Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
• First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.
• After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.
• Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.
• In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.
• Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.
• Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
• Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
• Signed more laws and executive orders circumventing the Constitution than any president in US history.
• Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
• Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
• Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
• Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/...)
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
• My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.
• Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleezza Rice has an Chevron oil tanker named after her).
• Had more states to simultaneously go bankrupt than any president in the history of the United States.
• Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
• Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.
• First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.
• First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
• Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
• Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
• Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
• Refused to allow inspector’s access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
• First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
• All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
• My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
• Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
• First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
• First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
• First US president to establish a secret shadow government.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
• With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
• Fist US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
• Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
• Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.
• Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
• In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
• Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
• In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
• Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
Records and References:
• At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
• AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war.
• Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
• All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
• All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
• Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.
• For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
•

Duck in a Bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks: 'Got any Bread?'
Bartender says: 'No.'
Duck says: 'Got any bread?'
Bartender says: 'No.'
Duck says: 'Got any bread?'
Bartender says: 'No, we have no bread.'
Duck says: 'Got any bread?'
Bartender says: 'No, we haven't got any bread!'
Duck says: 'Got any bread?'
Bartender says: 'No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread,
and if you ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you
irritating bastard !'
Duck says: 'Got any nails?'
Bartender says: 'No'
Duck says: 'Got any bread?

Here richly, with ridiculous display
the politician's corpse was laid away
while all his aquaintance sneered and slanged.
I wept
For I had longed to see him hanged

Libera me, let the truth break, what my fears make--Leslie Phillips

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

Libera me, let the truth break, what my fears make--Leslie Phillips

Visiting a seriously ill lawyer/politician in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.

Turn on the printing presses!
give everyone 5 grand for healthcare!!
O sheeit we outta paper??
How 'bout we promise China we will turn the paper they lend us into
green paper and we trade those to them
to better wipe their asses with.

“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon

A cannibal goes into a butcher shop to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

The Bush Regime went up the Hill, to fetch 700 Billion
The Congress took the small "blue pill"
And gave Herr Bush a trillion!

Doc Holladay
Nashville, TN
http://www.myspace.com/do...

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
“ STANLEY ,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley ?”
“I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without a declaration of war?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
“Johnnie,” he responds.
“And what is your question, Little Johnnie?”
“Actually, Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without a declaration of war?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?!
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And Sixth, what the f--k happened to Stanley?
- -
Get your own "Ron Paul for Treasury Secretary" or "Nothing Changes 1-20-09 / Vote Third Party" sticker, designed by AlaskaRon, today!
http://www.cafepress.com/...

and didn't see that this had already been posted. My apologies!